Well, I found out today what I thought was gone is back. I’m not too surprised. You can’t go back to the actions that got you in trouble in the first place and not pay the consequences.
Yeah, I know, nobody really cares. Most people don’t.
2 months ago • NotesJust another day, thought I had something to say, wish I could write a song, but that would take too long.
I know someone who is making his goal this year to create something. I just want to change 75% of everything around me. Stuff no longer relevant. It would be easy if I wouldn’t be so sentimental or afraid of being wasteful.
I will convert to Mac, I will convert to Mac, I will convert to Mac, it will make Brandon proud of me, I will convert to Mac. (Still have knots in my stomach…….but I will convert to Mac.) So clean, so beautiful.
I think I’ll make a carrot cake, maybe.
Okay, I’m done.
12 months ago • NotesEver have one of those weeks where every “thing” was an emergency and every “one” either crossed you or made you feel like one of the biggest fools that ever walked the planet? Yeah, it’s been one of those weeks.
Oh, well. Some day I’ll just be replaced by a better version. Although, my dark side hopes it will be someone really incompetent.
2 years ago • NotesMy sympathies to the Travolta family for their loss.
All of the brainless entertainment shows cannot stop playing the same thing over and over. They need to leave this family alone. I do not want to name the “celebrities” who know the family and have been so public in their sorrow. Unbelieveable!
I would like to commend Robin Williams for his response to an “entertainment reporter” when she asked if he would like to send his wishes to the family on television. Mr. Williams’ response: “I will call them.” Bravo! That is the most sincere and respectful statement I have heard from anyone.
Robin Williams said volumes in that response. I doubt few heard.
3 years ago • NotesIt’s that time of the year where I am blessed to have my son home to spend time. Three things I’ve been waiting to see: Bodies, Frog Bog and “The Dark Knight”. We’ll re-watch some of our favorites or rather he’ll watch them while I fall asleep. He’s really good about that. Things sure are boring when he’s not around. Oh, God, here comes melancholy. My blog, my right. We don’t get to make very many memories anymore. Mine are mostly work, except for the croquette games at Mom and Dad’s that were funny. Damnedest thing….I used to be really good, now I just suck! It’s a lot more fun since I don’t take it serious and Alicia and I started making up our own rules. Nancy called us on it but I don’t know why she was worried…..she won. This is what he’s missing. Memories made with family. Maybe some day he’ll want to be close again. In the meantime he’ll be here for three weeks and it will feel like home.
3 years ago • NotesWhy is it that no matter how hard I try to lose weight I can’t? Four years ago when I was scared I would pay a high price it was easy. I guess depriving myself of chocolate for three years had it’s toll on me. When I made my Christmas fudge…………I went nuts! Weakness of the flesh. I doubt I’m addicted and I’m definitely not a connoisseur but when it comes to chocolate does it really matter.
Never claimed to be Steinbeck.
3 years ago • NotesUCLA Dept of Psychiatry Study
A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
(Just a joke!)
3 years ago • NotesToo much shit!
How can one person screw up so much? Why do I always feel like I have to clean up the mess? I must look like the world’s biggest dumb ass because I sure do feel like one.
I keep thinking there’s really nothing more to do and it’s not worth trying to accomplish anything anymore. Have I reached the end? If yes, now what? Stuff is just stuff. Caring is too damned painful or not worth it.
Is there anybody out there?
3 years ago • NotesMy son. He can make me laugh. Dry, raunchy, subtle, controversial. He understands a lot about how things effect me. He breaks my heart when he tells me he’s disappointed me. He never has. I will regret the spilled milk the rest of my life. He never deserved that tirade. He’s not perfect but then I seem to cherish things more that are not perfect. I know it’s a burden for him to know how much my life is wrapped up in him and how much I lean on him. I wonder if that’s what pushed him so far away. He says he won’t stay away forever but forever may be shorter than anyone knows. A moment is too long.
Like it or not he’s my baby and always will be. When I carried him I felt these funny little movements. I never knew what they were until about two month after he was born. I was laying down resting with him next to me and I felt this funny little movement. It was exactly like what I felt before. I looked and saw he was moving his toes. This has stuck with me throughout his life. The funny thing is I still notice when he’s not wearing shoes he still moves his toes. I don’t think he realizes he does this but I do. I hope he never stops because it takes me back to a time when he needed me and I was most important to him.
I’m not going to proof read this because I’m afraid I’ll delete it so here it is with whatever flaws there may be.
I love you to infinity.
3 years ago • NotesSitting here again at 3:00 in the morning not because I want to but because I have little choice. This job will be the death of me. Weather sucks. Everybody else in the department is at home tucked in safe and warm except Renee. She decided to stay so she wouldn’t lose overtime. Me…gotta keep the patients covered. There’s a nice bunch of young nurses on the unit so the chatter helps me to stay awake. Didn’t I just do this same thing four days ago? Ninety minutes of sleep in 24 hours is not enough. I gave birth to one child. Why do my employees feel they need to be cared for by someone? Who the hell is going to take care of me? I know…..the mortician!
I’ve earned some time for myself. I want to visit my son but I’m short money and can’t take time off work. I feel terrible for him that he has to travel so far but I miss him.
I’m too stubborn for my own good. I’m afraid I’ll pay with the loss of my physical mind. Don’t want to be a shell. Feel like I already am. It’s too damned much.
3 years ago • 0 notesIt’s always quiet here on Superbowl Sunday. I have to work the next day so I usually don’t watch the entire game. Got a few goodies for game time anyway. I like the Patriots and it would be cool to see them win everything but then it might be more cool if Eli got a ring. In football they play 19 games max and you gotta be realitively good to be the champ and they work hard for it……….but baseball is still my favorite. They play more games, the season is longer and contrary to what most people think it can be a contact sport. You just never know when it’s going to happen. AND…..”spring” training means warmer weather!
It doesn’t really take much to make me happy.
3 years ago • 0 notesI knew he was asleep as I went to close his door. Because of the full moon I could see his silhouette in profile even with the curtains drawn. I heard him breathing softly. As I pulled the door closed I realized I, too, was asleep.
4 years ago • NotesHe came home for Christmas and tomorrow he leaves.
No matter how hard I try my heart breaks anew each time he prepares to leave. When you know it’s going to be months before you see the one person who has had the most enormous effect in your life, saying goodbye is next to impossible. All this mother wants is to hear his heart beating as a hug is given and received. To feel the movement of his chest as he breathes. To look into eyes so familiar and full of love that distance can not diminish it’s strength.
Knowing is not always enough but it’s all I have most of the time. I understand some of what my parents have had to cope with.
It’s an unending cycle I’ve set for myself. A mixture of emotions. Too many and all intermingled. It all comes down to one, of course, love. And then you let go, you think. The worry and fear seeps back in and the cycle starts again.
It’s all selfish. It’s all about my feelings. I allow myself to wallow in what to me is self pity and this I acknowledge. He didn’t have any choice of existing. I wanted a baby. What I was unprepared for was a someone. A unique individual with his own sense of identity.
So now I’ve come to end of the cycle once again. I love him dearly and want to be involved in every aspect of his life but paramount to everything I want him to find his happiness and self satisfaction.
Seeing the words may help me to break this cycle but by no means is this cathartic. I’m not that full of myself. I have a goal and a hope. The goal is to find me and the hope is for him. It’s all a work in progress. Maybe that’s all it’s supposed to be.
4 years ago • 0 notes