Leaving Again
He came home for Christmas and tomorrow he leaves.
No matter how hard I try my heart breaks anew each time he prepares to leave. When you know it’s going to be months before you see the one person who has had the most enormous effect in your life, saying goodbye is next to impossible. All this mother wants is to hear his heart beating as a hug is given and received. To feel the movement of his chest as he breathes. To look into eyes so familiar and full of love that distance can not diminish it’s strength.
Knowing is not always enough but it’s all I have most of the time. I understand some of what my parents have had to cope with.
It’s an unending cycle I’ve set for myself. A mixture of emotions. Too many and all intermingled. It all comes down to one, of course, love. And then you let go, you think. The worry and fear seeps back in and the cycle starts again.
It’s all selfish. It’s all about my feelings. I allow myself to wallow in what to me is self pity and this I acknowledge. He didn’t have any choice of existing. I wanted a baby. What I was unprepared for was a someone. A unique individual with his own sense of identity.
So now I’ve come to end of the cycle once again. I love him dearly and want to be involved in every aspect of his life but paramount to everything I want him to find his happiness and self satisfaction.
Seeing the words may help me to break this cycle but by no means is this cathartic. I’m not that full of myself. I have a goal and a hope. The goal is to find me and the hope is for him. It’s all a work in progress. Maybe that’s all it’s supposed to be.
1 year ago • 0 notes